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06 July 2010 @ 12:48 pm
Title: There Will Be No Shame
Author: Elmo
Pairing: Eleven/Master... 
A/N: This is for Tu, and Mezzo, and anyone else who has opened their eyes. I can see that your eyes are open. We're going to Hell guys.

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, or this song, or any form of a robot unicorn. Thanks for making me sad.

Open your eyes I see
Your eyes are open
Wear no disguise for me
Come into the open


"Yes, Amy?"

"We just walked onto the cover of a Lisa Frank folder."

"At least there are no sad kittens yet," the Doctor said as he ventured across a plain of purple grass. In the distance, there was a rainbow hued city in an irridescent bubble. Aside from the colors, it looked painfully familiar. Luckily, due to the colors, he couldn't look directly at it. "Come along, Pond... somebody needs our help."

"Somebody needs a new decorator," Amy responded and followed him. Despite her snide remarks, she was grinning. The whole field was full of purple grass and multi-colored flowers, butterflies and light, and a rainbow stretched between every cloud. "Shoulda had the wedding here."

"Now, now, think of the travel costs..." the Doctor said, as he headed for that city.

"Do you hear that? Is someone singing?"

"I don't hear anything."

Amy paused and canted her head, listening.

"It sounds like... Erasure."

"Come on, keep up. Innocents in peril, Pond."


When it's cold outside
Am I here in vain?
Hold on to the night
There will be no shame

When they reached the city, they were greeted by a delgation of tiny, naked, rainbow winged cherubs. The Doctor took that in stride. Amy did not. The sparkly glowing dolphin in the tank of rose colored water went over even less smoothly.


"Be nice, Pond."

"But Doctor, they're--"

"Angel babies. Yes, I see that."

"And that--"

"Telepathic dolphin, yes."

"Okay," Amy said, and looked at him sidelong. "I'm not mad, just tell me the truth; you drugged me."

"Of course not."

"Then--- this is real."

"Ah-hah, now she's got it!" the Doctor crowed and clapped her on the shoulder. "Now, this dolphin is the king. He says that the countryside is being terrorized by a robot unicorn who is destroying these star generators that supply power to the outlying settl---"

"Robot unicorn?"


"A... robot... unicorn."

"Yes. Is that more shocking than any other kind?"

"No, I suppose not, but--- a unicorn. That's a robot."

"Yes. He has a rainbow mane and tail and can run at nearly the speed of sound."

"And he is a unicorn."


Amy threw her arms around the Doctor.

"I love you. Unicorn."

The Doctor smiled.

"I know, right?"


I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

"Bait? You must be out of your mind, Doctor," Amy said, in a ceremonial chamber in a large building at the heart of the city.

"Oh, come on, it'll be fun. You just put on the dress and sit on the bench and the unicorn will come right to you. He never hurts the girls."

"You're missing one. little. factor, Doctor."

"What's that, Pond?"

"I'm not a virgin."

There was a very long pause.

"Oh. Right."

There was another long pause.

"I'll help with the buttons," Amy said. "Now shift. Innocents in peril, Doctor."


Melting the ice for me
Jump into the ocean
Hold back the tide I see
Your love in motion

The Doctor sat on a low bench in the middle of the field outside the city. He was wearing an ornate white dress [that he refused to think of as a wedding gown; not every white dress was a wedding gown.. even if it did have a poofy skirt and a scoop neckline and white sequins...] and he had flowers in his hair. He sat there all day, bored and still and annoyed. It wasn't until right before sunset that he saw a streak of color blazing toward him. Something about it felt oddly familiar... but he had never met a robot unicorn before, so it couldn't be.

The beast, all magnificent steel and an ephemeral riot of color at mane and tail, halted in front of him and looked down with cold, intelligent eyes.

It's about time, Doctor, the Unicorn thought at him, and the Doctor frowned. He knew that mind...

"Master?" he asked, incredulous. "How??"

I was thrown out of the Vortex, onto this world... and when I regenerated, it reacted with the atmosphere here.

"You regenerated into a Robot Unicorn."

Stranger things have happened.

"Name one."

You're in a wedding dress.

"It's not a wedding dress, it's just a white dress..." the Doctor argued, and then remembered why he was there. "You've caused these people a lot of trouble, Master."

How else was I supposed to get you here? the Master asked, and snorted. Can't exactly work a phone.

"Yeah, but blowing up power generators and kidnapping virginal off-world visitors? Bit on the nose, isn't it?"

I haven't kidnapped any--- you're a virgin? the Master asked, and then cackled inside the Doctor's head.

"This regen, yeah! What?" the Doctor asked, and crossed his arms defensively. "It's not that funny."

The Master kept on laughing. The Doctor stood and prepared to leave in a huff.

Wait, wait, the Master thought as he finally got his laughter under control. Don't go; it's just... you a virgin... it's a bit rich.

"Least I'm not a horse," the Doctor shot back. He moved closer to the Master and touched the cold metal of his face, the inconstant light of the Master's mane turning the Doctor's dress every color of the rainbow.

You want a ride? the Master asked, and bent his forelegs. The Doctor withdrew his hand and looked at the Master warily. Oh, come on... you know you always wanted to ride a unicorn.

"That's ridiculous," the Doctor scoffed. "I never---"

You used to doodle them on your text books at the Academy.

"You remember that?" the Doctor asked, both embarrassed and touched.

Of course. Get on.

The Doctor hesitated for a second... but really, when was he likely to get another opportunity to ride a unicorn? They were extinct in most of the Universe. Mounting was a bit tricky with the poofy skirt, but he managed. There where handholds in the Master's broad metal shoulders and recessed places to put his feet behind the Master's ribs.

"Okay, ready..." he said, though he really wasn't so sure about this. The Master stood, all smooth hydraulics and implacable power. Something inside his sleek metal body whirred up a notch, and the Doctor swallowed.

The Master leaped from stillness to motion, and the many-hued countryside flew by.

"Geronimo!" the Doctor cried as the Master leapt a ravine, and sped off into the sunset.


When it's cold outside
Am I here in vain?
Hold on to the night
There will be no shame

edzel2edzel2 on July 6th, 2010 02:25 pm (UTC)
*Laughs hysterically* For some reason I find that incredibly funny and just very ... well, them. Nice one!
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 6th, 2010 02:29 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^__^
reasonabsurd on July 6th, 2010 02:45 pm (UTC)
I used to fucking LOVE Lisa Frank. I detest that you've made me remember that.
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 6th, 2010 02:46 pm (UTC)
+10 points for the best and most apt icon?
(no subject) - reasonabsurd on July 6th, 2010 10:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - nonlinear_lover on July 6th, 2010 11:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
zero_aczero_ac on July 6th, 2010 03:19 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahahahahaha, oh dear. ILU, NL, I do! This is awesome and funny and sweet and *bursts out laughing again*. Thanks for writing this *hugs*! (Also now I will forever have Eleven in my head in a dressing gown with flowers in his hair...)
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 6th, 2010 03:37 pm (UTC)
I love you too, hon! ^__^<3 I'm glad this made you laugh.
heretherebefic: :D Fiveheretherebefic on July 6th, 2010 04:41 pm (UTC)
I think I love you XD
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 6th, 2010 05:19 pm (UTC)
Yay~ <3
Tu: So Whattula_peiwa on July 6th, 2010 05:18 pm (UTC)
ohgod, this made my daaaay. And now when I play it, it shall be the Master in my mind. "You're in a wedding dress." made me cackle out loud. God, such wonderful crack.
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 6th, 2010 05:20 pm (UTC)
All for you, Tu. I live to make your dreams come true.
(Deleted comment)
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 6th, 2010 11:14 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, nothing is too far for Amy. ILU and I love perma!praise a bit much. <3
(no subject) - zaftiq on July 6th, 2010 11:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - nonlinear_lover on July 6th, 2010 11:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Zzaftiq on July 6th, 2010 11:04 pm (UTC)
I forgot to comment this morning! I am so bad at that, because we were chatting at the same time, but you need perma!comment!praise as well.

Is it wrong that I imagined Amy copping a feel as she helped Eleven into that complicated dress? Probably gave his bum a pinch, or, you know--God, I deleted the rest of this sentence because it was TOO FAR, ZAF. TOO. FAR.
AUalt_universe_me on July 7th, 2010 12:47 am (UTC)
OMG! It started out good, and then when the Doctor turned up in a dress because he's a virgin, I didn't stop laughing like a crazy person until the end. You should get an award for this, mos def.
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 7th, 2010 12:49 am (UTC)
Oh, god, the response to this is overwhelming! Thank you so much! :3
AqueousSerenadeaqueousserenade on July 7th, 2010 01:44 am (UTC)
This is brilliant *g*

I was really not expecting it to be the Master, lol. Matt Smith wore a dress like that before, right? Or did I imagine that...
(no subject) - aqueousserenade on July 7th, 2010 02:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
marah_sarie: My Anti-Drugmarah_sarie on July 7th, 2010 02:39 am (UTC)
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 7th, 2010 02:41 am (UTC)
<3 The only kind I'll suffer to live.
Air crash: Amy sunflowersbrokenangelred on July 7th, 2010 02:50 am (UTC)
You are a god among men.
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 7th, 2010 02:51 am (UTC)
These things I do, I do for love.
anadapta0801anadapta0801 on July 7th, 2010 04:45 am (UTC)
Oh dear lord. You had me at 'this dolphin is the king', then you cloned me at the wedding dress bit, and now you're forcing an army of me to work tilling the fields of space-crack while robostallion!Master treads a rainbow path of insanity overhead with blushingbride!Doctor telling him to mind the floating cliffs.
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 7th, 2010 10:46 am (UTC)
This is.. an amazing comment. I... I...

I think I love you, somehow more. I did not think this was possible.
x_losficx_losfic on July 7th, 2010 08:12 am (UTC)
I love that the dialogue sounds right. In this cracky mess, too much makes sense. God dammit!

and anyone else who has opened their eyes. I can see that your eyes are open.

Also I laughed REALLY HARD at this.
Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 7th, 2010 10:47 am (UTC)


Thank you!! >__< You guys have like... killed me, over this. In a good way.
mezzopianofortemezzopianoforte on July 8th, 2010 07:48 pm (UTC)


Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on July 8th, 2010 07:50 pm (UTC)


shiverelectric: WHAT IS THISshiverelectric on March 4th, 2011 02:39 pm (UTC)

Elmo C. R.nonlinear_lover on March 4th, 2011 09:00 pm (UTC)
Right? I'm glad you enjoyed it!